I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
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