I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
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