I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
You need a sexual gate keeper
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Randomize
