when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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