I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
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