he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
