I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
