What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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