Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
