So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Randomize