God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
People in love make me want to vomit
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Randomize
