I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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