Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
