i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
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