Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
