i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
