cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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