it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
i may or may not be watching the land before time
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize