I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
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