this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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