and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Randomize
