why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
