You're earring is so big in my mouth
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Randomize