I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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