Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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