I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
i was born a porn star she said
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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