Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
