He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
