Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
