I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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