I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
