YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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