The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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