I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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