We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Randomize
