Already got asked if we're dating
Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Randomize
