Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
