Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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