We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
