I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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