Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
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