i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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