her vagina looked like bernie madoff
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That text made me feel like i signed up for some awesome celeb nude pic reminder
Also, on a completely related note, just came up with an awesome business plan. You in?
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
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