I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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