Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize