OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Randomize
