1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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