I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
