yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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