dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
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