And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Randomize
