I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
