Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
